


Corpse Talk

by Velobill



Category: Undead - Fandom, zombies - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:08:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26297671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velobill/pseuds/Velobill
Summary: What would you do if the undead invaded your home?





	Corpse Talk

**Author's Note:**

> A revenant is an animated corpse revived from death. The word "revenant" is derived from the French verb revenir, meaning “to come back." There are legends of revenants in various cultures, including Old Irish Celtic and Norse mythology, with stories of revenant visitations documented by English historians in the Middle Ages. Source: Wikipedia,

“I need help. I have a corpse in my house and I gotta get rid of it.”  
“A corpse in your house? Well, this is a first. Usually I get called to defend a murder suspect after there’s been an arrest.”  
“You don’t understand. I didn’t kill anyone.”  
“That’s what everyone tells me.”  
“No, no. Listen to me, I went to the cops. They did nothing. You’re the only lawyer I know and I only know you because you did the closing when I bought the house.”  
“Yes, I remember you. Didn’t you buy a little place off Mayfair, maybe a year or so ago? Ok, I’ll listen. Start from the beginning, how did you find this corpse?”  
“I came home from work the other day, and I walk in my kitchen and smell this stink. Kinda like garlic mixed with feces. At first, I thought it was the stove or a broken gas main. Then I hear a noise in my living room and there sitting on my couch watching TV is this corpse”  
“Can you describe this corpse and how did you know it was dead if it was watching your TV?”  
“How did I know it was dead. It was sitting on my coach in a rotting, dirty soiled dress, wearing no shoes. It’s skin is all grey and dry and stretched over its bones like, like plastic wrap. It’s cheeks and eyes are sunken in it skull, it has no lips, one of the ears is missing and all that is left of its hair is some scraggly grey strands. Don’t forget, it stinks too.”  
“Did this corpse do anything when you went into the room?”  
“Yeah, it turned me. Not turning its head, kinda twists its whole body. The eyes are open and look like pieces of worn blues glass, like what you see on the beach. It opens its mouth and in voice like that of scratching a knife on burnt toast tells me she hats what I’ve done to the place.”  
“So, I ask it, who the hell are you?”  
“And what did the corpse tell you?”  
“It said it owns my house.”  
“Sounds like you have a revenant, one of the undead.”  
“I know what a revenant is, Well, I know it now, I looked it up and I want it out of my living room and out of my house.”  
“Revenants are very rare. I’ve never encountered one before. You said you talked to the police, seems to me they would remove it for breaking and entering.”  
“It said it used a spare key it kept inside a fake garden stone. It shows me and the cop its driver’s license with my address on it. The cop said he couldn’t do anything. He said he has no jurisdiction over the dead and suggested I call a priest.”  
“I was going to ask if you considered an exorcism. I assume you’re here because it didn’t work.”  
“Didn’t work is an understatement. Two priests and couple Deacons from the local Catholic Church show up, they lit a censer and swung it about, they sprinkled holy water all over the place, on my couch, the corpse the rug. They said Latin prayers, the whole nine yards for a couples hours. Do you know what the thing did?”  
“I don’t know tell me.”  
“It said she was brought up as a Witness and the whining of an apostate false religion has no effect on her.”  
“Well, as we’re talking, I found your house in my computer. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss any liens when we closed on it. I was right, there are no liens or our outstanding mortgages and the title was clear. Wait a minute. Wait. Yes, it was owned by a woman who was reported by the Title Searcher to have died out west someplace about a year before you bought the house. This is very irregular. My files say your house was put up for sale by Probate because there was no family or will.”  
“Well, she is dead, I can toss her out can I?”  
“That may be tricky. She was out of state when she died and here someone has to be dead for seven years to be declared legally dead. It’s been two or three years at the most. Did she say why she didn’t come back sooner?”  
“I asked. It said she had no money and had to walk all the way.”  
“I’m sure, I wouldn’t give her a ride if she smells as bad as you say she does. How long did you say she’s been in your house?”  
“Just a couple days and yes, she still stinks. But, I have my A/C going in my bedroom and one in the kitchen and I put a huge fan in the living room to blow out some of the worse. I have stick cotton balls in my nose after I dip them in menthol essential oil.”  
“Ingenious”  
“No, I read it online. There are a couple groups of people who’ve had these revenants. The biggest one has almost ten thousand members.”  
“What do the groups suggest for dealing with a revenant?”  
“Most of the people say their undead are their dead family members. Some say they had a pet come back. Everyone says it doesn't matter if the corpse was embalmed. Most of the posts say how nice it is to have someone they love come back. But there is a group of corpse killers. One guy in the Dakotas posted the best thing is to stake a corpse down in a coffin and filling it with concrete. Another said said cremation is the best way. I could have a corpse killer come over and lop its head off.”  
“Could you do that?”  
“I don’t know. See it gets worse.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Yesterday I come home from work and she’s in the kitchen with someone from Legal Aid”  
“Well, I can't give you an answer now. It will take me a few days to see if there are court cases and rulings what laws might apply to your situation. I haven’t seen anything in the journals. Tell you what were' going to do. You come back Friday. If I find something useful, I’ll let you know. If I can win your case in court, I’ll discount the bill. Afterall, you’ll be my first undead case. If I can't help you, I’ll just bill you for doing the research. Who knows, I may have a whole new line. I can see it now, my practice on search pages and ads on late night cable. ”  
“Just as long as I can get the corpse out of my house.”  
FRIDAY  
“I couldn’t find anything specific. A corpse is considered to be property and the rights to it are held by its surviving spouse or next of kin and there are no kin or spouse in your situation, I double checked records. So, it could be a Probate Court matter, undeclared property disposal, you know legal stuff. Now there is also an city ordinance that prohibits people from keeping a corpse in their homes. So you could ask the Health Department to order it removed by the police. The problem is you mentioned last time we met, the corpse had been talking to Legal Aid. Being indigent, they might take a case. You haven’t been served have you?  
“Well, no. I want to tell you I don’t need your help anymore.”  
“What happened? How did you get rid of it?”  
“I didn’t. She’s staying. I bought a case of her favorite perfume and the smell isn’t as bad as it was and besides she’s a great cook.  
-30-


End file.
